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| Tree of life. Warli painting. |
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| Outfit ready to wear for travel. |
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| Hall with photo of Felix. |
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| Packing a suitcase. |
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| Leave-taking. |
-Brian Mendonca
When we got the news that Felix had passed on, in the early hours of the day, my mind went blank. 'Bri-an, my Felix is gone!,' said my little sister - almost incredulously - from the hospital. The words keep reverberating in my ears. We had booked tickets to go but I didn't feel like packing.
I searched for a reason but found none - except that I did not want to go. It seemed silly, but there it was. I did not have the energy to take on life. I did not want to accept that this was true. This could not be the final farewell.
With two hours to go before our car arrived, I desultorily chucked in some clothes and that was it. Only when we reached did I regret that l had not put in my black outfits, which it would have been appropriate to wear.
A quick visit in the rain, to an apparel store in Pune, changed all that. It seemed unreal that suddenly our family members were buying black outfits at the same time.
At Felix and Vanessa's home we prayed the rosary every evening. I took on the role of the lamp-lighter, changing the wicks when they died out. Looking at the flame going down, was akin to Felix's life ending. It was symbolic.
In my remorse, I thought that If I couldn't be around when he slipped away, at least I could fix the flame. I realized I was desperately searching for something that I could hold on to.
I spent time on the sit-out, which he had lovingly redesigned, looking at the dawn sky and inhaling the scent of the Champa flower. I played hymns from the funeral Mass on the guitar.
As if in limbo, I began going for 7 a.m. Mass, with my sister, to start my day. After that I used to pick up breakfast; sweet-smelling Mogra flowers to put around Felix's photo; and the morning newspapers.
I would then walk a bit across the spacious hall trying to tame the mind. I used to enjoy sitting cross-legged in Padmasana near the French windows to read the papers and enjoy the cool, rainy, Pune weather. I was drawn to stories of grief and loss. I lost interest in everything else. It all seemed like a masquerade.
I spent quiet time with myself reliving the memories with Felix. I also wrote poems and an article on my blog. I posted a few earlier blog posts mentioning him, on my WA status. It kept me from railing at those around me - or overreacting.
After the 7th-day Mass, the grief ebbed. Meeting my friend Rajan helped to face our loss together, since Rajan, being a Pune-ite, knew Felix more than me.
As I packed this morning to come home to Goa, I was a bit more steady. I was more organized, and was coming to terms with Felix's passing. Somehow keeping my outfit to travel, ready on a hanger renewed my purpose in life. It said, 'life calls you.'
I rued the fact that I did not bring my trusty blue haversack - even though it was before my eyes. As I said, I could not think straight. There were so many more things we had to pack.
Back home now, I noticed some of my things in disarray. One of the papers cascaded down to the floor, from the overladen ironing board. So I swept the rest of the stuff on the floor too.
The five stages of grief are believed to be:
-Denial
-Anger
-Bargaining
-Depression
-Acceptance
Things will take time to heal. While it happens, travel seems like a much-needed antidote.
Time to pack once more!
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Felix Mendonca passed away in Pune on 9 May 2025. He was 59. All pix taken by Brian Mendonca on Sunday, 18 May 2025. Pic of hall taken on 14/5/25. 'Tree of Life' pic at Lohegaon airport, Pune. Updated 24/5/25.
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